My Hobby

A humours article on arachnophobia by yours truly. Does anyone relate? 

-Yeah, it’s a great hobby. I mean it’s so original, nobody could ever think of it but me. My pet a hobby; arachnophobia.

You wouldn’t believe it, it’s so fun! For example, you walk into your room one day, and see this spider the size of a large walnut sitting morbidly on one of your shelves. You immediatly go into shock,  and walk purposfully out of the room. The next step is to pace the hallway thoughtfully, pondering whether to kill the apple sized spider yourself, or hire a younger (and braver) sibling to kill it. Good, step 1 and 2 completed.

Step 3: continue to pace the hallway, cracking your knuckels nervously as you think of the spider as big as a grapefruit inside your bedroom, murmuring, “Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez,” the whole time.

Step 4: eventually, either you or one of your siblings will summon up the courage to terminate the spider as big as a canteloupe, and deposit it in the steel-lidded garbage can. If neither of you kill the spider, and it escaped to some hidden place, I recoommend seeing a phsychiatrist immediately to rid you of this fear. Did I say fear? Surely I meant hobby….heh, heh.

Step 5: now the tough part, putting yourself in a complex. For the next couple of days,  you will need to go around as if there is a spider lurking at every corner. When sitting at your desk, writing about various hobbies of yours, you need sit with your feet resting on the cross support of your chair. You will also need to perfect the art of lifting up things in the general vicinity of the spider sighting (bedroom, hall, living room, office, garage, next door neighbors house, next county, you get the idea) with the look and air of a person lifting a touch-sensitive bomb. This must be perfected, the hobby is worthless otherwise. So far so good, Step 5 is completed.

 Step 6: recover so that you can do it again. Normally not to hard and fairly boring.

 Excellent! You have completed the basic steps to being afraid of spiders! The added bonus of encountering a large spider is that you can later tell the story to your friends and aquaintences. “So I walked into my room and saw this spider as big as a watermelon….”-